I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So many bounce houses so little time
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
