While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
