I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have fence marks all over my body
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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