the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize