If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
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