I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
