I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
