My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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