You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
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