she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
