your parents love me but you hate me
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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