Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
