If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
