omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
