i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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