You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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