The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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