In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
