I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
