I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know, be my cock's hype man.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
