Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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