Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
