So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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