i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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