Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
