can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Randomize
