my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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