seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
