she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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