There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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