i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
