Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
