wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
