Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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