He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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