Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
