If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
