I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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