It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
