his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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