i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
