I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is the high leading the old right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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