Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Green mimosas i think yes
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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