i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
