Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
