Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
