Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My ass is underappreciated
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
