I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
