im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
