I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
