I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
