You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
