girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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