im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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