saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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