i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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