Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
