I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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