Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
