Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize