i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
wow bdsm is so cute
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
