hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize