I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
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