The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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