Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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