i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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