i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize