Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
You made out with two different species that night
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
