i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
