the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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